The Truth About Cats and Dogs
A Dog Thinks:
Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . they must be gods!
A Cat Thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . I must be a god!
What Is a Dog?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
What Is a Cat?
Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost you money.
Dog & Cat Diaries Translated!
As seen in the dog’s diary:
8am Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm Oh Boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favorite!
As seen in the cat’s diary:
Day 183 of my captivity…
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded — must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair — must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn more about what this is, and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies, or more likely snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, for now his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…
A Mascot’s Use
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”